today

Today I woke up before either kid was up. This has only happened one other time in the last three years.
What a great opportunity!
Shall I meditate? Do yoga? Edit the article I just finished writing? Squeeze some fresh grapefruit juice? Write morning pages, which I haven't done in 4 years and 3 months?

Too many options. Somebody would wake up soon and demand food anyways.

I laid down on the couch and watched my husband pack his suitcase. I kissed him good-bye and closed my eyes. That was when the littlest one woke up, smiling when she saw me walk in. She is so silly and goofy first thing in the morning, hair all floppy in her face.

Then the big one woke up, came half way down the stairs and sat down. When I discovered him, did he say, "good morning" or even "hello"? Possibly a report on his dreams? No. This is what he said: "Mom, some Mercedes have trunks and some don't." Because that's what matters.

The baby and I picked him up from school this afternoon and we bought a whole roasted chicken chopped up into odd pieces for dinner. It is sitting on the dining room table in a bag because nobody wanted it.

My boy wanted some bread so he picked out a roll with pork fluff at the bakery. Little did I know that the roll was actually angel food cake with none other than sickly sweet white frosting inside. And Pork Fluff On Top. Ick. But my little blond boy who speaks Mandarin fluently and hates pizza ate it up. Well, he ate the third one up. The first one fell on the floor of the bakery. The second fell in the alley behind the store where we were walking.

Lesson 1: don't let a 4 year old carry his own pork fluff frosting cake thing.
Lesson 2: if you see something at the bakery with pork fluff on it, don't necessarily assume that it is savory.
Lesson 3 (according to my son): pork fluff Rocks!

women's wisdom

Tonight I was rocking the toddler to sleep, holding her bottle of goat's milk, gazing out at the mountain
Finally catching my breath after ten days of taking care of both kids by myself while my husband was away on business
Reeling from how overwhelming, stressful, altogether whacky I feel from dealing with rudeness, poor eating habits and such
Trying to raise my children well, make the right decisions and not make others feel badly along the way
But the four year old can be so nasty, he can really make other children feel very bad and I can't help it, I feel like his behavior reflects on me, as in:
I'm a good person and care so deeply about being gentle with others, so how could I have created somebody so insensitive and cruel?

Rocking my child to sleep, these feelings swirling about
But I was thinking about the goat's milk in the bottle and wondered what my grandmother fed her babies
I heard she was pro-breastfeeding, this was in 1941, when formula feeding was just beginning to go on the rise, and women who didn't breastfeed were giving their babies condensed milk with corn syrup (I just looked this up), so it's hard for me to say whether she would have breastfed for very long or not

And with all the parenting stress still heavy on my mind, I began to wish for my grandmother's wisdom and stories
I tried to envision her as a young mother, with her '40's hair rolls and dark-dyed hair, completely overwhelmed and stressed by her crazy three and four year olds running around the house, utterly disobedient and horribly rude
This was hard to imagine, though, because I knew her as a self-assured, calm, positive woman in her later years.
I wish she was still here so she could assure me that it was crazy for her, too, that she, too, felt like she would lose her mind one of these days.

Sure, my mother can give me this affirmation, too, indeed she still has this old '60's plaque on her kitchen wall that says, As soon as I finish my work, I am going to have myself a nervous breakdown. I earned it, I worked hard for it, and I deserve it.
But to get her take on this is not satisfying to me. Grandma had reached her pinnacle of wisdom in her old age, and her assurance feels more valuable to me at this point.

I began to cry. I miss my Grandma and I need her tonight.

autumn

It is finally cool here and sunny still
In the subtropics
So I bought a new bike, blue with a basket in front and a baby seat in back for the girl
The boy has a Big Boy bike, white with training wheels

We rode over to the park tonight
It was beautiful, he rode all around in circles while she toddled up the steps and rode down the slide on her baby belly, laughing
Then afterward, the man came and we were a family, together, my favorite way to be
We went across the street to the PaiGu Mian place, fried pork and noodles
And ate the house special for dinner, each had our own plate, the baby eats that much, really, and it all cost about $4.50US
Nobody worries about wheat allergies dairy allergies etc., organic, grain-fed and whatnot
When it is that cheap

I saw a baby being born yesterday, I was there to comfort the mother, to breathe with her and to be with her in silent, joyful support
She was absolutely not afraid of anything coming her way
What a strong, amazing woman
Sitting up like a Queen in charge of her domain
Her baby practically flew out, grey and wrinkled and so little
Kleine kleine they breathed softly to her in admiration
As they are German
The moon was full, I saw on the way home from my taxi
And the tallest building in the world was dressed in its pink lights in honor of the new lady in town

The births that I have been to have been peaceful and natural
The mothers so brave and Knowing
That I am more inclined than ever to question how interventions and fear came to be a mainstay in modern obstetrics
I had no idea that it was this common for birth to be this good

It changes your life forever to watch a woman birth her baby with no fear

adventure

We are closest and happiest when we are in a new place
I always knew life would be an adventure with him
But it seems to be that as we get older, we become less prone to adventure
I'm not sure I'm okay with this

He is Mr. B and I am the wife of Mr. B but I just do not want to be a B at all so I never changed my name
Because I don't want to be his father's wife, and I don't want him to be his father
I know, I know
But it's true

Maybe the leaps of faith are still here, but not what I had expected
Daily loving, abiding, hoping, believing
True adventure of a lifetime

I want to be a yoga teacher, a midwife, a hospital chaplain, a writer
There I said it before the No came crashing down on each one

the universe and abbey road

My little one just got two more teeth
Bringing the total to eight
She started walking last week
I am so proud of her
Funny, how you can be so proud for something that is perfectly natural
Something they would do no matter what or who they are
But I guess that anything that is like this,
Anything that deepens my sense of awe and trust in the goodness
Of the universe
Is worthy of praise
To use a Christian term from the good ol' days

I am sewing buttons on a gauzy white blouse today
While she sleeps
And the boys are off swimming

Last night I discovered the fantastic potential
That Abbey Road has for interpretive dance
And I mean that in the cheesiest sense of dance
So the kids were jumping on the couch
And I was dancing and prancing and flowing around the room
Being so dramatic and interpretive
Good for laughs
Then I look over and the four-year old is copying me
Because the wind is high
The baby has her hands stretched up over her head
it blows my mind
She swings them down to her feet
We are all so dramatic and interpretive
I have to laugh at her, these kids are so funny

from a book of children's poetry

Hail
Hi
Ho
Hail!
It hit my forehead
Did it say, "Sorry"?
I think it said, "Sorry,"
But in a tiny, little voice.

Hi
Ho
Hail!
It vanished while I watched.
Did it say, "Good-bye"?
I think it said, "Good-bye,"
But in a tiny, little voice.

from The Magic Pocket by Michio Mado, translated by the Empress Michiko of Japan

Jizos for Peace

My heart is warm and open as I read my sangha's Jizos for Peace blog

white

Many years ago I was cross-country skiing through white woods
Forest green, blue-white and crystal sky
Stark
Discovered alongside the path some cozy little caves made out of snow
Crawled into one and there were even little shelves, so convenient
People (and a dog, judging by the fur in the smallest cave) had lived in them the night before
Had found rest in them
So white, they looked holy
Like little desert monks' retreats

Tonight I remembered this as I drew a warm bath
Filled it generously with a foot of bubbles (you have to use the jets for this effect)

If you put your bubbly hands together in prayer
Then pull them apart a little bit
There will be a white cave inside the bubbles
Illuminated from light through the bathroom window
A blue stormy light
That too speaks of holiness
As does the bed clad in fresh white sheets
Where you lay afer the bath
Clean
Smiling with your husband

last week and this week

Been busy and tired last week
Baby sick again last week
Got up several times a night to nurse her
No complaining which is unusual for me
But by day watching the tiredness get the best of me
Which it actually got a long, long time ago

Once she got better, though, she slept through the night
for the first time ever
Then she did it again 2 more nights
I'm still getting up
Phantom night-nursings
But the light is there at the end of the tunnel
I will sleep better soon
I will feel better soon

The first year is really tough
With both kids, their first birthday was a true celebration for me
End of all the questioning, wondering, the night-wakings
Soon-to-be-toddler so interactive and fun
I love this next phase
I could have lots of 2 year olds
it's the before and after 2 that test me in new places
I haven't explored yet

My meditation style is still
mid-afternoon and 3am laying down meditation
you know, the kind where you sleep and dream
Someday when sleep is better I will return to the cushion
Incense
Lotus
Upright and curious
Not time for that yet, taking care of my body

Tests done by a fancy acupuncturist's machines
Tell us that my depression is not real depression
Just dark, pessimistic thoughts
Brought on my inability to rest
Which is brought on by lack of sleep

I could have told you that
But at least now he knows exactly where to put the needles
And ouch! he found the spot

Feeling brighter already

Body like a mountain
Breath like the wind
Mind like the sky

Tibetan saying

Georg and Maria

His fish died the day after my last post. He said good-bye to it, then we flushed it.

Later, he came out of his play room and announced that when play-dough dies, it gets hard and dry. He was smiling and seemed so proud of himself. I think he's getting it.

This morning we were watching the singing scenes in The Sound of Music and he asked me where the naughty kids' mother was. I said they didn't have a mother.

He said, "I think she died."

I have to admit that I myself have never once wondered where their mother was. Then later when Maria was dancing with the Captain in the garden and the kids were watching adoringly, my boy said, "I think she's going to be their new mother."

Julie Andrews is so strong and positive and clear-looking that it brings tears to my eyes to watch her.

I went to see a counselor yesterday. I was surprised how many themes in my life came together by simply sitting down and talking about them. Making sense of things....

I am spending the morning working on the website I'm designing for my friend
http://www.mybeibei.com
Swaying about, listening to Saint Etienne, designing
I am in my element in my studio
Loving it

"Gentle and giving -- all the rest is treason." Saint Etienne

dying and dreaming

he to me: Mom, I don't want to go to England.

me to he: Why, darling?

he to me: People go there to die.

me to he: huh???

(me to me: oh the bombs

me to husband: was he watching cnn by any chance?)

he to me: Mom, what is dying?

me to he: It's when your time here is done and you aren't around anymore. It's normal and it happens to everyone.

he to me: (big, worried eyes) Mom, I don't want to die!

me to he: It's okay, darling, I'm sure it won't happen for a very, very long time.

(repeat above 2 lines several times)

he to me: Where do you go when you die?

me to he: Nobody knows. But I think it's a very calm, happy place. Your body stays here, but the part of you that thinks and dreams and sees goes to the next place. I think there are others there, and they are all waiting to become a new baby or animal.

he to me: I'm scared of dying. I don't want to die. (shaking his head, eyes wide with horror)

me to he: Everybody is scared of it, my dearest boy. But it's kind of like a baby being in its mama's belly (a pregnant woman actually walks by during this part, no kidding), and when the baby's body is old enough and ready, it comes out. The baby is scared and doesn't know what kind of place it is coming out to, but it comes out anyways. And then it is welcomed with loving arms by people who love it.

When we die, it is the same thing - our bodies are ready to be done in this world and we have to close our eyes and go to the next place. It's like an adventure, like taking a trip.

he to me: I think I'm going to die first, and then you, then baby sister, then Dad.

me to he: (crying at the thought of it) We can't tell now, my dearest boy. But I can tell you this: the great thing about dying is that it makes us love our living more.

result: He seems calmer about the topic now. My own depression feels a little lifted. I kind of like talking about death. How would you talk about it?

Sweet dreams tonight.

Oh, and last night I dreamt about houses again - since college, I have often had meaningful, healing dreams about houses. I feel like houses represent where my soul lives. Last night's dream involved a house being built. I was the one who was bringing something to help build it, I was the confident one with a grand sense of humor about it. The other girl in the dream was the tentative, quiet one. I am both of these people.

reclamation

Coming back from a brief trip back to the U.S. ...
I always get a fresh perspective on my life and consider
what parts of it just are not working

Right now I see that I need a good dose of joy and balance
in my life
Regular sadness and loneliness and searching for meaning
lead me to say this

I'd rather not focus on all the parts of my life that just plain bother me, it all adds up
to the same thing - need for joy and balance

So I'm compiling a list of the things to do, things I deeply want and need to do:

- Yoga 3 times a week or more
- Meditation everyday
- Try one new thing/Go to one new place a week
- Write down what my kids say and do
- Draw
- Stick with the people who I'm real with
- Stop buying clothes in shopping malls
- 3 bowl-style meal preparation
- Smile
- Find a counselor

insomnia and waking up

last night, awake with insomnia,
i passed the time with his holiness the dalai lama
in a book called healing anger
which my zen teachers lent to me last year
when i was sitting on their couch wondering how to
escape this cycle of yelling and fantasies of violence
parenting as i know it
but not how i want it

h.h.d.l. says that the only factor that can give refuge or protection from the destructive effects of anger and hatred is the practice of tolerance and patience.

he speaks of the destructive nature of anger, but that we can't heal from it until we observe it, get to know it
that once you get to know the effects of anger, how horrible they truly are for everyone around you and yourself, then you will become more and more cautious of angry thoughts
and also to observe patience and tolerance, get to know them, too
and then nurture the factors that give rise to patience and gentleness
and cut at the root the factors that give rise to anger

i thought about the choking feeling of loneliness that i get when i am alone with the kids
and my husband is away on a business trip
how angry i get, how i yell at my children, how constricted i begin to feel
and i thought about the thoughts i have -
at those times i am thinking that i'd much rather be sitting in a cafe,
sipping wine, and reading a book about patience
rather than standing in the middle of a hot elevator with two worn out and whiney children who cling to me with sticky fingers and
are both demanding every bit of marrow from my being as i am wearing clothes covered in their saliva

ironic
which situation is the opportunity for patience, really

if nothing else, to see it as an opportunity for patience rather than the jail of anger i usually experience it as...
freeing

the other thing that was on my mind last night while i was awake, before i got up and read,
was this guy in my sangha, someone who has always felt dear to me even though
i don't know him all so well i guess
i was appreciating that he was practicing, that he finally went back to the monastery,
wondering if he'd want to ordain someday
and here today i get an email from him saying he's getting ordained in december
all about the great and lofty vows we buddhists deeply believe -
"we free all living beings" and whatnot
but the simplicity in his explanation of why he's doing this...is perhaps the most freeing of all.

"I was in a cemetery yesterday and stopped at the grave of a
woman who was two months younger than me when she died. It reminded me that this
life is so precious and short, and my highest aspiration is to appreciate this
little time that I have here. I’ve found this spiritual path best helps me live
in accord with that vow."

rising thoughts

as i go about my day, i notice undercurrents,
recurrent, actually, thoughts

the other night, a random web search
brought me to a college acquaintance
a mademoiselle article she wrote about
being molested by her high school youth group leader
(female)

she didn't come out about it until after college
all this time i knew her in school and she had this secret

i keep thinking about the youth leader and how she must have justified it to herself
she did it again, too
no recourse

the same web search brought me to a college photo
that included two boys i kissed in college
one is gay
the other still is really, very cute
i remember him with a hooded sweatshirt and big, deep Daido eyes
i miss him sometimes
but mostly i miss the no-strings fun

that time in my life is done and is charming to think about
as a memory

anyways the other thing that keeps floating to the surface of my thoughts
like i float to the surface of the water in my swim lessons if i hold my breath
is this couple
everytime i see them she looks tense and angry
he looks deeply saddened and a little defeated
she is going back to the u.s. for the summer
ostensibly
i say ostensibly because i know it's not just for the summer
she's not coming back
she can't stand to be anywhere near him

last night we ran into them at a fancy party
we waited for an hour for her to arrive
in the meantime an innocent conversation about...something i can't remember what
he said, "that's the whole problem, the whole problem is that she is not impulsive"
we shut our mouths
so much for an innocent conversation
she arrived and announced she was leaving, looking sad and upset
he had the defeated look on again
neither were breathing
they walked away 10 feet apart
i spotted them yelling, defensively,
in the parking lot later

she likes things just so and is quirky and funny
he is smooth and gently relaxed, so pleasant
too bad they can't be those things together

when i see their children i want to hug them and not let go
so much anger for a young child to digest

and finally today i read an interview with tenzin palmo
a british woman who was drawn to buddhism as a young child
in 1950's england
crazy how can that be?
she went to india and met her lama
she'd known him for lifetimes
she spent 12 years happily by herself in a himalayan cave
her biography deeply affects me, but her words as well
now i think about calling up the urgency of practice, but releasing the urgency of enlightenment

"It's very important to realize that with the right attitude, a little awareness, and skillful means, we can transform everything - all our joys and sorrows. The dharma is every breath we take, every thought we think, every word we speak, if we do it with awareness and an open, caring heart."

she speaks of the importance of seeing ourselves as part of many rebirths
and this is only one step, and it important to use this life as an advancement toward
helping others in all future lives, this one as well

i can't put words to it, but she is drawing me back to the heart of it

inch by inch

Pulling weeds and pickin' stones
We are made from dreams and bones
Find a spot to call my own
'Cause the time is close at hand

Grain for grain
sun and rain
Find my way in nature's chain
Tune my body and my brain
To the music from the land

from Inch by Inch, John Denver

I love these lyrics. Three year old has a kids' cd with this song, and even when he's not in the car, I listen to it over and over.

Pulled out all my beautiful and exotic papers to make books today. I lovingly matched colors, gently ripped papers to create soft edges, pulled the sticky sheets over the boards to reveal the finished covers - lovely.

So satisfying, to think all the while of the person each book is for, to think of her uncovering the tissue I will wrap it in, I imagine her gasping at the thought of how much I love her and cherishing this object of my affection. It humbles even me. One of the recipients is one of the hardest people in my life to love, but something in me still wants to do this for her. I made hers out of pink and red Japanese paper with golden flowers.

It also just feels good to use my hands, to connect my brain with my eyes in a way I normally don't. Doing this makes me feel healed, helps me remember the person in me who sees beauty and loves the universe.

Perhaps I don't need meds after all. Perhaps I don't even need a counselor.

Maybe I'll make these books and sell them. Dreaming, never stop dreaming.

in a way

i'm not as happy as i could be
and as my favorite bloggers are coming out about their
depression meds...
i can't help but wonder if it's time for me to get some help

or if i should get cracking on my nightly meditation practice
making lists of projects
regular exercise and healthy eating
positive thinking
and all that

to see if i can regain balance through right living

today in the car, husband and i talking about the kids
the happy one, in particular,
and i said, you just never know what a child will become -
everyone says i was the happiest, most easy-going baby
and now i'm not happy or easy-going

he agreed

i haven't been the most loving
i complain about being lonesome

i think about...who was it? another blogger
who said that none of the circumstances of her life changed
and yet all the things she complained about before -
husband, weather, work, etc.
don't bother her like before
now that she is healed, she has a better outlook on life

i think of myself as lazy
it's like my feet are stuck in cement-filled buckets sometimes
i run and swim and down-ward dog
but i can't bring myself to empty the garbage
or throw out the junk mail on the table

maybe i need meds
maybe i need a good counselor
maybe i need my zen teacher
maybe i need to find my faith and take myself less seriously

bruce cockburn tonight
'look see my tears they fill the whole night sky'
not that i'm crying tonight or lately, but that line always sets a deep part of me to wriggle and squirm
with life
really moves me

baby time

it rained 40 days and 40 nights
and then this morning the dove came back
in the form of sunshine pouring through my windows

just the baby and me
as the 3 year old was at aiyi's

all the windows open
fresh sunny breeze blowing across
the professionally cleaned living room

like a commercial for baby food
she in her high chair
grabbing for ruby red watermelon chunks
constant movement, kicking and giddy

then one moment: sun shining in on us
she watched a cloud pass by
felt the breeze waft her light hair
we listened
breathed
allowed

it was over and wiggling again
she wanted to get up and move around
no more stillness for this one
she is in charge of all that happens to her

she thinks that once she masters walking
it will be time to work on learning how to fly

a walk in the park

this afternoon dragging on, with one cranky sick baby
and one three-year-old who i was trying to keep awake
aiming for an early bedtime

so i offered a walk around the block
didn't change out of my bum clothes,
glasses, no bra, stubbly legs and stinky armpits
which turned into a walk to the park
on the kid's request

saw other moms i know there
that's when i remembered i also have 5 pimples
simultaneously breaking out on my face
fortunately i have little shame
but did feel a little self-conscious of the no-bra factor

and am embarassed to admit relief that
i didn't run into any
French Moms
how they get so thin and groovy looking
is beyond me
although they could smile more
at least to me because i want to be their friend

and why the heck is this baby sick all the time?
she eats more fruits and vegetables than slim goodbody
i just don't get it

husband just walked in from a week away
fresh and punchy as ever
he loves to be alive
i love the way he smells like airplane upholstery when he first walks in
and looks so grateful to see me
the way that flying makes us think about imminent death and makes us grateful
we in this household consider this kind of anxiety a gift

he's in the shower now
i love curling up to him all clean

he'll be gone for the next 2 weeks
his coming back reminds me of my choking loneliness
i told him to just stay away, that way
i could stay happy in my aloneness

he said he didn't want to stay away
what a loser, actually wants to
kiss his wife and tickle his kids
now and again

i thank all that is good for him
he leaves me alone a lot but
he loves and he lives so completely

date night with me

the soup is hot, the bread is toasted
the kiwi is cut and ready for a post-dinner snack
the movie (closer) is rented

the kids are asleep
and i am going to have a date with myself
and i am happy happy happy

i miss my husband when he is away
but i do love my nights to myself

a little meditation later and
it will be a perfect evening

in high school, i'd spend an evening out
with friends
and i'd feel bad leaving my mom all alone
at home
she said everytime without fail,
i waited 27 years to have an evening to myself,
i love it

i'm sure she did just the same thing that
i'm doing tonight

everyday...

what is this need in me - it's like i am searching for something to complete me
i don't know, a career or a job or a creative outlet, something
maybe it's just sleep i need - the baby was up several hours last night with fever and indescribable pain
why can't they come out able to talk or at least tell you where it hurts

there's a part of me that still can't say where it hurts

somewhere in my heart, a certain disappointment in myself for not being more alive
more passionate and doing things that make the world a better place

today in my journal, i wrote, "is it depression, or just severe lack of sleep? (lack of sleep)"

i call this medjool because i am an american living in a chinese world and i was delighted and comforted to discover medjool dates at the elite foreigner grocery store
now i eat medjool dates every night while i read or watch tv they are so wonderful, i will never get tired of them they are way better than chocolate or other sweets i might be tempted to eat

"everyday in every way i am getting better and better" soon i will get better sleep as baby gets older and in the meantime i am getting healthier and stronger and more aware and sensitive and patient and i see more and more color. i've even almost got a flat belly almost.