it rained 40 days and 40 nights
and then this morning the dove came back
in the form of sunshine pouring through my windows
just the baby and me
as the 3 year old was at aiyi's
all the windows open
fresh sunny breeze blowing across
the professionally cleaned living room
like a commercial for baby food
she in her high chair
grabbing for ruby red watermelon chunks
constant movement, kicking and giddy
then one moment: sun shining in on us
she watched a cloud pass by
felt the breeze waft her light hair
we listened
breathed
allowed
it was over and wiggling again
she wanted to get up and move around
no more stillness for this one
she is in charge of all that happens to her
she thinks that once she masters walking
it will be time to work on learning how to fly
5.30.2005
5.27.2005
a walk in the park
this afternoon dragging on, with one cranky sick baby
and one three-year-old who i was trying to keep awake
aiming for an early bedtime
so i offered a walk around the block
didn't change out of my bum clothes,
glasses, no bra, stubbly legs and stinky armpits
which turned into a walk to the park
on the kid's request
saw other moms i know there
that's when i remembered i also have 5 pimples
simultaneously breaking out on my face
fortunately i have little shame
but did feel a little self-conscious of the no-bra factor
and am embarassed to admit relief that
i didn't run into any
French Moms
how they get so thin and groovy looking
is beyond me
although they could smile more
at least to me because i want to be their friend
and why the heck is this baby sick all the time?
she eats more fruits and vegetables than slim goodbody
i just don't get it
husband just walked in from a week away
fresh and punchy as ever
he loves to be alive
i love the way he smells like airplane upholstery when he first walks in
and looks so grateful to see me
the way that flying makes us think about imminent death and makes us grateful
we in this household consider this kind of anxiety a gift
he's in the shower now
i love curling up to him all clean
he'll be gone for the next 2 weeks
his coming back reminds me of my choking loneliness
i told him to just stay away, that way
i could stay happy in my aloneness
he said he didn't want to stay away
what a loser, actually wants to
kiss his wife and tickle his kids
now and again
i thank all that is good for him
he leaves me alone a lot but
he loves and he lives so completely
and one three-year-old who i was trying to keep awake
aiming for an early bedtime
so i offered a walk around the block
didn't change out of my bum clothes,
glasses, no bra, stubbly legs and stinky armpits
which turned into a walk to the park
on the kid's request
saw other moms i know there
that's when i remembered i also have 5 pimples
simultaneously breaking out on my face
fortunately i have little shame
but did feel a little self-conscious of the no-bra factor
and am embarassed to admit relief that
i didn't run into any
French Moms
how they get so thin and groovy looking
is beyond me
although they could smile more
at least to me because i want to be their friend
and why the heck is this baby sick all the time?
she eats more fruits and vegetables than slim goodbody
i just don't get it
husband just walked in from a week away
fresh and punchy as ever
he loves to be alive
i love the way he smells like airplane upholstery when he first walks in
and looks so grateful to see me
the way that flying makes us think about imminent death and makes us grateful
we in this household consider this kind of anxiety a gift
he's in the shower now
i love curling up to him all clean
he'll be gone for the next 2 weeks
his coming back reminds me of my choking loneliness
i told him to just stay away, that way
i could stay happy in my aloneness
he said he didn't want to stay away
what a loser, actually wants to
kiss his wife and tickle his kids
now and again
i thank all that is good for him
he leaves me alone a lot but
he loves and he lives so completely
5.26.2005
date night with me
the soup is hot, the bread is toasted
the kiwi is cut and ready for a post-dinner snack
the movie (closer) is rented
the kids are asleep
and i am going to have a date with myself
and i am happy happy happy
i miss my husband when he is away
but i do love my nights to myself
a little meditation later and
it will be a perfect evening
in high school, i'd spend an evening out
with friends
and i'd feel bad leaving my mom all alone
at home
she said everytime without fail,
i waited 27 years to have an evening to myself,
i love it
i'm sure she did just the same thing that
i'm doing tonight
the kiwi is cut and ready for a post-dinner snack
the movie (closer) is rented
the kids are asleep
and i am going to have a date with myself
and i am happy happy happy
i miss my husband when he is away
but i do love my nights to myself
a little meditation later and
it will be a perfect evening
in high school, i'd spend an evening out
with friends
and i'd feel bad leaving my mom all alone
at home
she said everytime without fail,
i waited 27 years to have an evening to myself,
i love it
i'm sure she did just the same thing that
i'm doing tonight
everyday...
what is this need in me - it's like i am searching for something to complete me
i don't know, a career or a job or a creative outlet, something
maybe it's just sleep i need - the baby was up several hours last night with fever and indescribable pain
why can't they come out able to talk or at least tell you where it hurts
there's a part of me that still can't say where it hurts
somewhere in my heart, a certain disappointment in myself for not being more alive
more passionate and doing things that make the world a better place
today in my journal, i wrote, "is it depression, or just severe lack of sleep? (lack of sleep)"
i call this medjool because i am an american living in a chinese world and i was delighted and comforted to discover medjool dates at the elite foreigner grocery store
now i eat medjool dates every night while i read or watch tv they are so wonderful, i will never get tired of them they are way better than chocolate or other sweets i might be tempted to eat
"everyday in every way i am getting better and better" soon i will get better sleep as baby gets older and in the meantime i am getting healthier and stronger and more aware and sensitive and patient and i see more and more color. i've even almost got a flat belly almost.
i don't know, a career or a job or a creative outlet, something
maybe it's just sleep i need - the baby was up several hours last night with fever and indescribable pain
why can't they come out able to talk or at least tell you where it hurts
there's a part of me that still can't say where it hurts
somewhere in my heart, a certain disappointment in myself for not being more alive
more passionate and doing things that make the world a better place
today in my journal, i wrote, "is it depression, or just severe lack of sleep? (lack of sleep)"
i call this medjool because i am an american living in a chinese world and i was delighted and comforted to discover medjool dates at the elite foreigner grocery store
now i eat medjool dates every night while i read or watch tv they are so wonderful, i will never get tired of them they are way better than chocolate or other sweets i might be tempted to eat
"everyday in every way i am getting better and better" soon i will get better sleep as baby gets older and in the meantime i am getting healthier and stronger and more aware and sensitive and patient and i see more and more color. i've even almost got a flat belly almost.
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