everyday...

what is this need in me - it's like i am searching for something to complete me
i don't know, a career or a job or a creative outlet, something
maybe it's just sleep i need - the baby was up several hours last night with fever and indescribable pain
why can't they come out able to talk or at least tell you where it hurts

there's a part of me that still can't say where it hurts

somewhere in my heart, a certain disappointment in myself for not being more alive
more passionate and doing things that make the world a better place

today in my journal, i wrote, "is it depression, or just severe lack of sleep? (lack of sleep)"

i call this medjool because i am an american living in a chinese world and i was delighted and comforted to discover medjool dates at the elite foreigner grocery store
now i eat medjool dates every night while i read or watch tv they are so wonderful, i will never get tired of them they are way better than chocolate or other sweets i might be tempted to eat

"everyday in every way i am getting better and better" soon i will get better sleep as baby gets older and in the meantime i am getting healthier and stronger and more aware and sensitive and patient and i see more and more color. i've even almost got a flat belly almost.