7.28.2005

last week and this week

Been busy and tired last week
Baby sick again last week
Got up several times a night to nurse her
No complaining which is unusual for me
But by day watching the tiredness get the best of me
Which it actually got a long, long time ago

Once she got better, though, she slept through the night
for the first time ever
Then she did it again 2 more nights
I'm still getting up
Phantom night-nursings
But the light is there at the end of the tunnel
I will sleep better soon
I will feel better soon

The first year is really tough
With both kids, their first birthday was a true celebration for me
End of all the questioning, wondering, the night-wakings
Soon-to-be-toddler so interactive and fun
I love this next phase
I could have lots of 2 year olds
it's the before and after 2 that test me in new places
I haven't explored yet

My meditation style is still
mid-afternoon and 3am laying down meditation
you know, the kind where you sleep and dream
Someday when sleep is better I will return to the cushion
Incense
Lotus
Upright and curious
Not time for that yet, taking care of my body

Tests done by a fancy acupuncturist's machines
Tell us that my depression is not real depression
Just dark, pessimistic thoughts
Brought on my inability to rest
Which is brought on by lack of sleep

I could have told you that
But at least now he knows exactly where to put the needles
And ouch! he found the spot

Feeling brighter already

7.15.2005

Body like a mountain
Breath like the wind
Mind like the sky

Tibetan saying

7.13.2005

Georg and Maria

His fish died the day after my last post. He said good-bye to it, then we flushed it.

Later, he came out of his play room and announced that when play-dough dies, it gets hard and dry. He was smiling and seemed so proud of himself. I think he's getting it.

This morning we were watching the singing scenes in The Sound of Music and he asked me where the naughty kids' mother was. I said they didn't have a mother.

He said, "I think she died."

I have to admit that I myself have never once wondered where their mother was. Then later when Maria was dancing with the Captain in the garden and the kids were watching adoringly, my boy said, "I think she's going to be their new mother."

Julie Andrews is so strong and positive and clear-looking that it brings tears to my eyes to watch her.

I went to see a counselor yesterday. I was surprised how many themes in my life came together by simply sitting down and talking about them. Making sense of things....

I am spending the morning working on the website I'm designing for my friend
http://www.mybeibei.com
Swaying about, listening to Saint Etienne, designing
I am in my element in my studio
Loving it

"Gentle and giving -- all the rest is treason." Saint Etienne

7.09.2005

dying and dreaming

he to me: Mom, I don't want to go to England.

me to he: Why, darling?

he to me: People go there to die.

me to he: huh???

(me to me: oh the bombs

me to husband: was he watching cnn by any chance?)

he to me: Mom, what is dying?

me to he: It's when your time here is done and you aren't around anymore. It's normal and it happens to everyone.

he to me: (big, worried eyes) Mom, I don't want to die!

me to he: It's okay, darling, I'm sure it won't happen for a very, very long time.

(repeat above 2 lines several times)

he to me: Where do you go when you die?

me to he: Nobody knows. But I think it's a very calm, happy place. Your body stays here, but the part of you that thinks and dreams and sees goes to the next place. I think there are others there, and they are all waiting to become a new baby or animal.

he to me: I'm scared of dying. I don't want to die. (shaking his head, eyes wide with horror)

me to he: Everybody is scared of it, my dearest boy. But it's kind of like a baby being in its mama's belly (a pregnant woman actually walks by during this part, no kidding), and when the baby's body is old enough and ready, it comes out. The baby is scared and doesn't know what kind of place it is coming out to, but it comes out anyways. And then it is welcomed with loving arms by people who love it.

When we die, it is the same thing - our bodies are ready to be done in this world and we have to close our eyes and go to the next place. It's like an adventure, like taking a trip.

he to me: I think I'm going to die first, and then you, then baby sister, then Dad.

me to he: (crying at the thought of it) We can't tell now, my dearest boy. But I can tell you this: the great thing about dying is that it makes us love our living more.

result: He seems calmer about the topic now. My own depression feels a little lifted. I kind of like talking about death. How would you talk about it?

Sweet dreams tonight.

Oh, and last night I dreamt about houses again - since college, I have often had meaningful, healing dreams about houses. I feel like houses represent where my soul lives. Last night's dream involved a house being built. I was the one who was bringing something to help build it, I was the confident one with a grand sense of humor about it. The other girl in the dream was the tentative, quiet one. I am both of these people.

7.07.2005

reclamation

Coming back from a brief trip back to the U.S. ...
I always get a fresh perspective on my life and consider
what parts of it just are not working

Right now I see that I need a good dose of joy and balance
in my life
Regular sadness and loneliness and searching for meaning
lead me to say this

I'd rather not focus on all the parts of my life that just plain bother me, it all adds up
to the same thing - need for joy and balance

So I'm compiling a list of the things to do, things I deeply want and need to do:

- Yoga 3 times a week or more
- Meditation everyday
- Try one new thing/Go to one new place a week
- Write down what my kids say and do
- Draw
- Stick with the people who I'm real with
- Stop buying clothes in shopping malls
- 3 bowl-style meal preparation
- Smile
- Find a counselor