in a way

i'm not as happy as i could be
and as my favorite bloggers are coming out about their
depression meds...
i can't help but wonder if it's time for me to get some help

or if i should get cracking on my nightly meditation practice
making lists of projects
regular exercise and healthy eating
positive thinking
and all that

to see if i can regain balance through right living

today in the car, husband and i talking about the kids
the happy one, in particular,
and i said, you just never know what a child will become -
everyone says i was the happiest, most easy-going baby
and now i'm not happy or easy-going

he agreed

i haven't been the most loving
i complain about being lonesome

i think about...who was it? another blogger
who said that none of the circumstances of her life changed
and yet all the things she complained about before -
husband, weather, work, etc.
don't bother her like before
now that she is healed, she has a better outlook on life

i think of myself as lazy
it's like my feet are stuck in cement-filled buckets sometimes
i run and swim and down-ward dog
but i can't bring myself to empty the garbage
or throw out the junk mail on the table

maybe i need meds
maybe i need a good counselor
maybe i need my zen teacher
maybe i need to find my faith and take myself less seriously

bruce cockburn tonight
'look see my tears they fill the whole night sky'
not that i'm crying tonight or lately, but that line always sets a deep part of me to wriggle and squirm
with life
really moves me