rising thoughts

as i go about my day, i notice undercurrents,
recurrent, actually, thoughts

the other night, a random web search
brought me to a college acquaintance
a mademoiselle article she wrote about
being molested by her high school youth group leader
(female)

she didn't come out about it until after college
all this time i knew her in school and she had this secret

i keep thinking about the youth leader and how she must have justified it to herself
she did it again, too
no recourse

the same web search brought me to a college photo
that included two boys i kissed in college
one is gay
the other still is really, very cute
i remember him with a hooded sweatshirt and big, deep Daido eyes
i miss him sometimes
but mostly i miss the no-strings fun

that time in my life is done and is charming to think about
as a memory

anyways the other thing that keeps floating to the surface of my thoughts
like i float to the surface of the water in my swim lessons if i hold my breath
is this couple
everytime i see them she looks tense and angry
he looks deeply saddened and a little defeated
she is going back to the u.s. for the summer
ostensibly
i say ostensibly because i know it's not just for the summer
she's not coming back
she can't stand to be anywhere near him

last night we ran into them at a fancy party
we waited for an hour for her to arrive
in the meantime an innocent conversation about...something i can't remember what
he said, "that's the whole problem, the whole problem is that she is not impulsive"
we shut our mouths
so much for an innocent conversation
she arrived and announced she was leaving, looking sad and upset
he had the defeated look on again
neither were breathing
they walked away 10 feet apart
i spotted them yelling, defensively,
in the parking lot later

she likes things just so and is quirky and funny
he is smooth and gently relaxed, so pleasant
too bad they can't be those things together

when i see their children i want to hug them and not let go
so much anger for a young child to digest

and finally today i read an interview with tenzin palmo
a british woman who was drawn to buddhism as a young child
in 1950's england
crazy how can that be?
she went to india and met her lama
she'd known him for lifetimes
she spent 12 years happily by herself in a himalayan cave
her biography deeply affects me, but her words as well
now i think about calling up the urgency of practice, but releasing the urgency of enlightenment

"It's very important to realize that with the right attitude, a little awareness, and skillful means, we can transform everything - all our joys and sorrows. The dharma is every breath we take, every thought we think, every word we speak, if we do it with awareness and an open, caring heart."

she speaks of the importance of seeing ourselves as part of many rebirths
and this is only one step, and it important to use this life as an advancement toward
helping others in all future lives, this one as well

i can't put words to it, but she is drawing me back to the heart of it