insomnia and waking up

last night, awake with insomnia,
i passed the time with his holiness the dalai lama
in a book called healing anger
which my zen teachers lent to me last year
when i was sitting on their couch wondering how to
escape this cycle of yelling and fantasies of violence
parenting as i know it
but not how i want it

h.h.d.l. says that the only factor that can give refuge or protection from the destructive effects of anger and hatred is the practice of tolerance and patience.

he speaks of the destructive nature of anger, but that we can't heal from it until we observe it, get to know it
that once you get to know the effects of anger, how horrible they truly are for everyone around you and yourself, then you will become more and more cautious of angry thoughts
and also to observe patience and tolerance, get to know them, too
and then nurture the factors that give rise to patience and gentleness
and cut at the root the factors that give rise to anger

i thought about the choking feeling of loneliness that i get when i am alone with the kids
and my husband is away on a business trip
how angry i get, how i yell at my children, how constricted i begin to feel
and i thought about the thoughts i have -
at those times i am thinking that i'd much rather be sitting in a cafe,
sipping wine, and reading a book about patience
rather than standing in the middle of a hot elevator with two worn out and whiney children who cling to me with sticky fingers and
are both demanding every bit of marrow from my being as i am wearing clothes covered in their saliva

ironic
which situation is the opportunity for patience, really

if nothing else, to see it as an opportunity for patience rather than the jail of anger i usually experience it as...
freeing

the other thing that was on my mind last night while i was awake, before i got up and read,
was this guy in my sangha, someone who has always felt dear to me even though
i don't know him all so well i guess
i was appreciating that he was practicing, that he finally went back to the monastery,
wondering if he'd want to ordain someday
and here today i get an email from him saying he's getting ordained in december
all about the great and lofty vows we buddhists deeply believe -
"we free all living beings" and whatnot
but the simplicity in his explanation of why he's doing this...is perhaps the most freeing of all.

"I was in a cemetery yesterday and stopped at the grave of a
woman who was two months younger than me when she died. It reminded me that this
life is so precious and short, and my highest aspiration is to appreciate this
little time that I have here. I’ve found this spiritual path best helps me live
in accord with that vow."