women's wisdom

Tonight I was rocking the toddler to sleep, holding her bottle of goat's milk, gazing out at the mountain
Finally catching my breath after ten days of taking care of both kids by myself while my husband was away on business
Reeling from how overwhelming, stressful, altogether whacky I feel from dealing with rudeness, poor eating habits and such
Trying to raise my children well, make the right decisions and not make others feel badly along the way
But the four year old can be so nasty, he can really make other children feel very bad and I can't help it, I feel like his behavior reflects on me, as in:
I'm a good person and care so deeply about being gentle with others, so how could I have created somebody so insensitive and cruel?

Rocking my child to sleep, these feelings swirling about
But I was thinking about the goat's milk in the bottle and wondered what my grandmother fed her babies
I heard she was pro-breastfeeding, this was in 1941, when formula feeding was just beginning to go on the rise, and women who didn't breastfeed were giving their babies condensed milk with corn syrup (I just looked this up), so it's hard for me to say whether she would have breastfed for very long or not

And with all the parenting stress still heavy on my mind, I began to wish for my grandmother's wisdom and stories
I tried to envision her as a young mother, with her '40's hair rolls and dark-dyed hair, completely overwhelmed and stressed by her crazy three and four year olds running around the house, utterly disobedient and horribly rude
This was hard to imagine, though, because I knew her as a self-assured, calm, positive woman in her later years.
I wish she was still here so she could assure me that it was crazy for her, too, that she, too, felt like she would lose her mind one of these days.

Sure, my mother can give me this affirmation, too, indeed she still has this old '60's plaque on her kitchen wall that says, As soon as I finish my work, I am going to have myself a nervous breakdown. I earned it, I worked hard for it, and I deserve it.
But to get her take on this is not satisfying to me. Grandma had reached her pinnacle of wisdom in her old age, and her assurance feels more valuable to me at this point.

I began to cry. I miss my Grandma and I need her tonight.

autumn

It is finally cool here and sunny still
In the subtropics
So I bought a new bike, blue with a basket in front and a baby seat in back for the girl
The boy has a Big Boy bike, white with training wheels

We rode over to the park tonight
It was beautiful, he rode all around in circles while she toddled up the steps and rode down the slide on her baby belly, laughing
Then afterward, the man came and we were a family, together, my favorite way to be
We went across the street to the PaiGu Mian place, fried pork and noodles
And ate the house special for dinner, each had our own plate, the baby eats that much, really, and it all cost about $4.50US
Nobody worries about wheat allergies dairy allergies etc., organic, grain-fed and whatnot
When it is that cheap

I saw a baby being born yesterday, I was there to comfort the mother, to breathe with her and to be with her in silent, joyful support
She was absolutely not afraid of anything coming her way
What a strong, amazing woman
Sitting up like a Queen in charge of her domain
Her baby practically flew out, grey and wrinkled and so little
Kleine kleine they breathed softly to her in admiration
As they are German
The moon was full, I saw on the way home from my taxi
And the tallest building in the world was dressed in its pink lights in honor of the new lady in town

The births that I have been to have been peaceful and natural
The mothers so brave and Knowing
That I am more inclined than ever to question how interventions and fear came to be a mainstay in modern obstetrics
I had no idea that it was this common for birth to be this good

It changes your life forever to watch a woman birth her baby with no fear

adventure

We are closest and happiest when we are in a new place
I always knew life would be an adventure with him
But it seems to be that as we get older, we become less prone to adventure
I'm not sure I'm okay with this

He is Mr. B and I am the wife of Mr. B but I just do not want to be a B at all so I never changed my name
Because I don't want to be his father's wife, and I don't want him to be his father
I know, I know
But it's true

Maybe the leaps of faith are still here, but not what I had expected
Daily loving, abiding, hoping, believing
True adventure of a lifetime

I want to be a yoga teacher, a midwife, a hospital chaplain, a writer
There I said it before the No came crashing down on each one

the universe and abbey road

My little one just got two more teeth
Bringing the total to eight
She started walking last week
I am so proud of her
Funny, how you can be so proud for something that is perfectly natural
Something they would do no matter what or who they are
But I guess that anything that is like this,
Anything that deepens my sense of awe and trust in the goodness
Of the universe
Is worthy of praise
To use a Christian term from the good ol' days

I am sewing buttons on a gauzy white blouse today
While she sleeps
And the boys are off swimming

Last night I discovered the fantastic potential
That Abbey Road has for interpretive dance
And I mean that in the cheesiest sense of dance
So the kids were jumping on the couch
And I was dancing and prancing and flowing around the room
Being so dramatic and interpretive
Good for laughs
Then I look over and the four-year old is copying me
Because the wind is high
The baby has her hands stretched up over her head
it blows my mind
She swings them down to her feet
We are all so dramatic and interpretive
I have to laugh at her, these kids are so funny

from a book of children's poetry

Hail
Hi
Ho
Hail!
It hit my forehead
Did it say, "Sorry"?
I think it said, "Sorry,"
But in a tiny, little voice.

Hi
Ho
Hail!
It vanished while I watched.
Did it say, "Good-bye"?
I think it said, "Good-bye,"
But in a tiny, little voice.

from The Magic Pocket by Michio Mado, translated by the Empress Michiko of Japan

Jizos for Peace

My heart is warm and open as I read my sangha's Jizos for Peace blog

white

Many years ago I was cross-country skiing through white woods
Forest green, blue-white and crystal sky
Stark
Discovered alongside the path some cozy little caves made out of snow
Crawled into one and there were even little shelves, so convenient
People (and a dog, judging by the fur in the smallest cave) had lived in them the night before
Had found rest in them
So white, they looked holy
Like little desert monks' retreats

Tonight I remembered this as I drew a warm bath
Filled it generously with a foot of bubbles (you have to use the jets for this effect)

If you put your bubbly hands together in prayer
Then pull them apart a little bit
There will be a white cave inside the bubbles
Illuminated from light through the bathroom window
A blue stormy light
That too speaks of holiness
As does the bed clad in fresh white sheets
Where you lay afer the bath
Clean
Smiling with your husband