3.28.2008

moving too fast

today, driving to pick up jonas after school
my danish friend called
"how's the breastfeeding going?"
a considerate, compassionate question
because she knows it's been a horrible struggle with this baby
so we talked about it
she suggested this and that
normal things
but then she said that i was too stressed
that i think of my baby as a problem
that she'll grow up feeling like my problem

but i haven't been stressed lately
i've been trouble-shooting with the same persistance as i always have
and i adore my baby and think of her as easiest of all
but there's no point in defending myself
when somebody is coming at me as strongly as that
i couldn't let go of the offense

and then i drove to get jonas
and traffic was bad
i was late to pick up the kid
so i took a page out of 'lessons from taiwan taxi drivers'
and drove a shortcut down a one-way alley to the school
a woman on a scooter coming my way blocked my car
wouldn't let me pass
i tried to drive around and she blocked me again
she faked a phone call to the police
and said she didn't care about where i was going
she wouldn't budge
so i quietly backed all the way down the alley
because she's right, it's a one-way alley,
but she was mean and i'd been wrong-way down that one-way alley
many times in taxis before
and i couldn't let go of the anger

tonight, jonas just didn't like any of the right ways to do things
didn't want to take a bath
didn't want to say hello or thank you to our dinner hosts
didn't want to try the yummy dessert that we knew he'd love
it was like he was trying to go the wrong-way down a one-way alley
and i still feel frustrated at all the head-butting

this is why i want to attend to my practice again
i couldn't see where i was in the midst of it all
it happened too fast
and now i'm left with the emotional artifacts of the day
and if i were truly paying attention
it would all happen at a pace slow enough for me to rise to the occasion
and respond 
with some sense of kindness

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